| I just had a horrible nightmare that woke me up several minutes before I was supposed to get up. I've been having them every night and they are not lucid. I have no idea they're just dreams while I'm having them and they always involve screaming, crying, and Jeremiah. The dream I just had was about me having sex with a guy I went to highschool with in my Grandma's guest bedroom. At the time I was cheating, Jeremiah was in my Grandma's house. I felt guilty about the sex afterward and then these two kids came in to the room. Me and the guy I had sex with put the kids in between us and got as far away from each other as we could so it would look like nothing happened. I was going to tell Jeremiah later. We hid the lube under the covers. I thought Jer was going to come in the room, but he never did.
Even when I called out his name, he didn't come. I called Jeremiah, who for some reason was at my other Grandma's house, staying with her. She answered casually, asking me if I was looking for my husband. I felt guilty because I felt like I should be calling for her, not to find out where he was. She told me he wasn't there and then that he died in a motorcycle accident. I told her that he doesn't even drive a motorcycle and asked if she was sure it was him. She told me that she had spent the last two hours dealing with the cops about it.
I kept crying and screaming desperately, "Grandma, are you sure it was him?" I was suprised, because even though I felt terrible, I thought it would feel worse. I was in denial. I just couldn't believe he would die...after I'd done this thing, after we didn't say goodbye, and when he doesn't drive a motorcycle. I thought he must have killed himself on purpose; stolen a motorcycle and crashed it because he didn't want to live...
This was by far the worst of the Jeremiah nightmare trilogy. The first one was about Jeremiah screwing around with this girl he was going on tour with and then telling me he's not in love with me anymore and then Rhona consoling me. The second one was about a terrible fight where he was being really mean to me. I always wake up from these dreams while I'm crying in them. Yesterday, I woke up with black circles under my eyes, as if I had been crying. Maybe I should just stay awake. I try to think about things I want to dream about while I'm falling asleep, but apparently my subconcious wants me to have a nervous breakdown. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | I'm trying to turn myself into a dance jock. I went to hip hop dance yesterday, and cardio salsa today. I think cardio salsa almost killed me. There was sweat dripping into my eyes. I'm not going out tonight, though I said I would. Jeremiah's playing a show and went to a bachelor party at a strip club. Things are strange with us. He's gone for our anniversary. Seems all I can do is complain about my love. Though when I am with him, I just want to forget all of it and lay together. We don't like the same things. Will it be the death of us? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | XOXO | | Time: | 11:22 pm |
|
| I just spent my after-work evening out eating Japanese food with my dangerous friend Courtney. Courtney is from Montreal; I used to live with her and her sort-of boyfriend, Phil. Montreal has expensive, expensive Japanese food...especially sushi. She always gets me in financial trouble with her delicious food adventures. She's a foodie. The kind of girl that went to chef school and researches the best restaurants in Vancouver weeks before her arrival. We went on an "appetizer crawl" which was new to me. Luckily it ended at the second restaurant at $40. God, I need to get a life and stop thinking about money. I guess that'd be easier to do if I had um, more of it.
I felt really tired today. I had a terrible sleep. I had to move out of the bedroom because there was a cranefly buzzing around. I can't deal with buzzing- flies, bees, motorcycles. Can't do it. So, I went to the couch, but the patio door was left open all night and I only had one blanket and was itchy. I woke up, had two cups of coffee, smoked, and got a head ache.
Jeremiah has gone away to Calgary for five days. I suppose it's nice and possibly productive to have some alone time, but I really, really love him and therefore love having him around. I need to get more done. I need to do art. Relationships hinder my creative progress because I'd rather spend my time on being in love. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think this is my first entry in a couple of years, if not a few years. I don't think I have changed very much since my last entry. My surroundings have changed, but not me. I have a few thoughts I will not bother to string together. This isn't going to be too profound, so don't get your hopes up!
1) Soon, I will be moving again. How many times is that within my lifetime? I have lost count. My estimation is 20+. I remember reading something in one of my psychology texts that connected the amounts of times one has moved with how they view the world. I think it was something like people who have moved much less look at their relationships as more defining, important parts of their lives. I suppose this means people that move more focus more on their individuality, themselves and see their personalities as more stable. Is moving alot to blame for my difficulty maintaining close relationships? There was more to this...
2) Ever since I turned 24, I can't stop thinking about age. My age, everyone's age. Before I know it, I will be my mother's age. All of a sudden, I have gray hairs and think about having a child. WTF?! I think about how I'll look in ten years, how I'm too old to go to bars. My many failures. My friends ages compared to their lifestyles and careers. This is not pleasant.
3) I'd like to think of others more, do more for others. But I think the part of me that gets gratification from this is numb? When I do things for others, I feel the weight of my my guilt lifting, but also numb, dead, a little bit irritable. I have a hard time empathizing lately...emotionally at least, with people. I can intellectualize my empathy. Say, "I should help so and so because..." but I get this strange feeling when I am being altruistic... What is this? Confusing and strange. Inconvenience? Sociopathy?! Nah!!! I have feelings and shit. I have not explained this fully enough to make it seem like I still have a soul, have I?
4) I feel immobilized creatively...and intellectually.
5) I really like Vanessa's cats.
6) I ride my bike to work every day. This is not making me lose weight since I eat more to compensate. But I am getting a nice tan. Do married gals need to worry about nice tans and losing weight?
7) Want to do some piddly thing for the environment. Fundraiser? Also, a clothes swap with booze. Alcohol is such a great anxiety reliever. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| DEAR LIVE JOURNAL
I PREFER PAPER JOURNALS, PRIVATE JOURNALS. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU ANYMORE | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Pretending other people don't exist is fun and easy. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I am so tired and hungover and so excited about turning the couch into a bed in the livingroom. It's rather sad, my post-drinking life. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Modern Creatures are playing
tonight at The Waldorf in room 2 with Shearing Pinx, Twin Crystals and Mutators
and Sept. 1st at The Lamplighter
Terror Bird is playing with N. 213 and Twin Crystals at the Pic on Tuesday the 15th. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday, I called in sick for the first time so that I could vomit up stomach acid all day. Mojitos are definitely not for me, but Mike and Dani's housewarming party was really great. Lindsey and Angelia didn't leave as soon as they saw me, although I did end up crying, drunk. I know it's disgustingly hot, but I've gotten used to it. I really like laundromats. That's where I'm using the internet. Living with Jeremiah is going really well.
My best friends are:
Jeremiah
Kelly
4-track | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I just bought a 4-track yesterday and got my bike fixed! Who wants to go on bikerides with meeee? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I am moved into my new apartment, and I love it. I love living there. I fucking love it. But I'm so hungry and I don't have any money...or a phone.
Modern Creatures has some shows coming up
July 7th (Friday) at Pat's Pub with Pink Noise, Twin Crystals, and Sugar Coated Killers.
July 15th (Saturday) with Sugar Coated Killers
July 29th (Saturday) with Blue Grey Dots and The Mutators
You should come. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Moving day is coming soon and I'm pretty excited. I've been getting more shifts at work, which is helpfully financially. Thursday, I can start sleeping at my new place, but I think I'll finish packing in Lag-ley instead. I will miss my mom and maybe even my little sister, but it will be nice to live with my love, fend for myself, and be closer to my friends/things to do/work.
I have been doing a little bit of writing these days. I love my thesaurus (oh please let me have spelled that right!) Modern Creatures is exciting me. Nic Hughes and Brody might make a music video for us. I'll try to get it on t.v. somehow, someway, if it ends up being made. Evan is going to record Modern Creatures in July. We're pretty lucky to have people willing to help out because I sure don't have a camera, access to a computer with a film editing program, or a 4-track.
I might start a band with Liane (Jeremiah's roommate), but I'm not sure because she asked me to when she was drunk and high and sad about Mutators, so that might not count.
CAN'T! WAIT! TO! MOVE!!!! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| After filling out what seemed like endless application forms, Jeremiah used a better fake reference and we got a place. It's a little shabby. A ground floor apartment around E5th and Fraser St, at the bottom of a hill. He says it's in the middle of nowhere, but I disagree.
I am so happy that we don't have to keep looking for a place. The searching was getting very depressing and the end of the month is near.
We are going to have a housewarming party, to which you can come. That will probably be on the weekend of the 7th, maybe after our show.
Aside from all that cheerful banter, I'm actually wondering when these feelings of utter disatisfaction and unhappiness will stop ruling my life. I am wondering whether they exist because of, regardless of, or despite my circumstances ??? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| loneliness monotonous voices uncomfortable silences sunshine songs
dim bedrooms chores lust ignored for sleep pitying his knees, fingers jazz guitarist the look of a prostitute rock and roll is a prostitute i have books you don't even know about i love grammar but i've abandoned punctuation if only for one night dreams of tablecloths, setting tables dream upon dream
i wish i could sleep always | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Modern Creatures has some shows coming
July 7th (Friday) at Pat's Pub with Pink Noise, Twin Crystals, and Sugar Coated Killers.
July 12th (Wednesday) with Sugar Coated Killers and some band from Saskatoon (Fly, Griffin, Fly).
You should come. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Life is getting better and better thanks to the following:
Modern Creatures and Terror Bird (being musical again, having a band again)
Jeremiah
designing cd covers and making tapes in anticipation
working at the Shaughnessy=hope for the future, daily tipouts, beer money
going to shows on weekends...sharpening social skills to replace antisocial skills (or is that just drunkeness?)
Library card= books a plenty
moving in with Jeremiah in July (finally getting back to the city I love)
Remembering all my dreams. They are unsettling. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm so sick of traveling back and forth between Langley and Vancouver. I am so sick of packing a bag and carrying my bass guitar everywhere. I can't wait to actually live in Vancouver and spend all the time that I spend traveling to and fro on worthwhile things, like building machines out of Play-Doh.
I am going to work and get Music Wasted (ew, nice pun!) all weekend.
I'm going to Joey Casio and Mutators tonight, Pink Noise and (Joy and Jake's band) People Verses on Friday, and Live Girls on Saturday (even if I arrive from work after the bands have already played.) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Today, I wrote a new song. Modern Creatures hasn't been able to practice as much as I'd like us to. I ran to Jeremiah's the other night after sour times with Kelly. Sometimes we just don't know how to handle each other, she and I.
I think alot of people are unaware of the physical sensations I feel when I am under stress, particularly from discussing certain topics or fears, or when I don't know how to answer. Sensations include tightness in the head, the feeling that I cannot stop clenching teeth together, and probably increased heart rate.
My guess is that most people probably feel these same feelings when feeling threatened or stressed, but that most people feel them a lot less often because it takes them a lot more to get that way.
How does one become what one considers normal? Erase all traces of unstable childhood? Go back in time and learn how to deal with threats to well-being in a more effective manner? Stop being afraid of everything. How?
Aside from all that, Jeremiah and I are getting a place together in July. I am both excited and worried that he will end up despising me, or become so comfortable that situations similar to those with Lindsey will repeat themselves. I must give Jeremiah credit for being a unique individual. I must also give our relationship credit for not being doomed from the get-go, and therefore being healthy and very enjoyable.
I've been working more and more. My job is decent. I'm bussing (no, not busking) at The Shaughnessy Restaurant. Speaking of which, I should call them soon, because I'm on call, but I call them. Oh God, I hope I don't have to travel out to fucking Vancouver today. I just want to write stories and songs and not have any obligations or luggage to carry around on public transit. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I hate everything and everyone. I am a scarecrow. Let's get drunk and eat poison and then the world will be lovely, free of cynics. And well, we're all great at diagnosing each other and ourselves. Mostly, I just think that I'm not really me and if I am, I'm not into it. I don't really hate anyone. I just want things to make sense and be less corrupt. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
clarionspy's journal